So I've been seriously dreading starting these posts. But it seems like now is as good of a time as ever. Remember how I kicked off the new year with a list of monthly themes? Well, I knew I would be uncomfortable with February.
Honestly, I definitely considered changing the theme. But... what else fits for February? Pretty much everything is pink, sugary, and l o v e. Plus, I reasoned with myself, it was a short month. So the torture wouldn't last too long. But now we're a week into the month and I'm still dreading it.
So I'm copping out... for now. I'll focus this post on a particular issue that I have. I don't think I'm the only one who struggles with these issues. Admittedly, I recognize that this is absolutely something I need to work on. The way it makes me feel makes me not like myself so much. There. I said it.
Ready for it?
Each of us probably have similar roots, but it may manifest in different ways. For me, I overwork. You may overeat, or undereat, or work out too much, or sleep too much.... or whatever.
When life gets super super super overwhelming for me, I dive into my work. I'm talking jumping from the highest diving board head first into the pool of work. It's exhilarating. I get the biggest rush from that dive. It certainly distracts me from whatever issues I'm facing and I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot.
And I do accomplish a lot. I get through hundreds of emails, queue posts, write freelance articles, tackle my to-do lists, send follow ups, make phone calls, meet with clients. I accomplish so much, including driving myself into the deepest depths of exhaustion. In fact, I would say I accomplish everything... with the exception of dealing with what I actually need to deal with.
Work becomes my escape. And not necessarily in the healthiest of ways. I can work seriously almost around the clock without stopping. And I might completely skip meals and overdose on cups of coffee. (I tend to stop counting after three.)
Instead of dealing with what I need to deal with, I ignore it and focus on everything but that. Eventually, it catches up to me. I can only fend off the anxiety from open wounds left unhealed for so long. It gets ugly.
I'm a bottler. I let issues with friends go undiscussed... for a while. I ignore red flags... until it's too late. I keep secrets for too long... and then can't take it. I let my stress quietly break down my body... and then I crash.
Zero to sixty? More like sixty straight into a brick wall. Head on. Crash.
I've been like this for as long as I can remember. (I mean, I legitimately remember meltdowns in kindergarten, breakdowns in sixth grade, and just feeling down in 11th.) It's been a pretty bad cycle.
Do you have these feelings too? (With that overeating, undereating, overexercising, too-much-sleeping whatever.)
I think we all need to just STOP. I know, easier said than done. But I mean, stop the bad tapes. Stop pressuring ourselves. Stop comparing. Stop ignoring. Stop overanalyzing. Stop hurting.
And deal. We need to face whatever we need to face. And conquer.
Because we know we will conquer.