I’m breaking the kind-of-written rule that I have to talk about boys for a little bit. This is not going to be me dishing on all my dating drama (trust me, it’s not pretty). But instead talking about something that I have personally struggled with since I started seriously dating (rather dealing with) men in college.
Trying to fit a specific persona to match whatever he wanted.
To give this context, watch this video:
Someone mentioned that I should watch it in a comment and I was so moved by it. I think every girl has felt like she was difficult to love. Sometimes I listen to this on repeat, especially on not-so-good days.
While the entire poem speaks to me in ways I can’t even describe, the line: “And you tried to change, didn’t you?”
This line holds true for things beyond just dating: wearing a certain outfit when out with a certain friend group. Sitting through a concert that hurts your ears to prove yourself as cool. Sitting up straighter and talking in a certain manner to impress a family friend.
But with boys, it gets even trickier. You can ditch that outfit and switch back to your comfortable jeans. You can put your real favorite song on repeat during your commute to work the next morning. You can crack one of your witty jokes and let your personality shine through.
However, when you put up a certain front with a guy and build a relationship around that… it can’t last. The lust wears off. The foundation everything you’re standing on crumbles. It’s bound to happen. And as much as you try to patch up the holes and fill in the cracks, you fall.
And you fall hard! Really, really, really hard.
Even though it’s expected (because in your heart you know that this is false, not right), you hurt.
Of course, you can’t go back and undo the personality change or the wardrobe change or the anything change. You have to push through and hope that, next time, you’re authentic and yourself through and through.
I sometimes feel like that as I am (Type-A, high strung, emotional, borderline insane), I can’t be loved. In order to be loved, I have to change something about myself. Pretend to enjoy late nights in dark bars. Or pretend that I’m okay crossing lines I’m actually not okay to cross. Or pretend that I’m not opinionated… that my career doesn’t matter… or that I’m okay with being used.
But I know that… I enjoy early mornings and long breakfasts. I’m conservative and maybe even a little prude (owning this!). I have opinions. I want a career. I have feelings.
The right person will love me for everything that I am, not everything that I’m not or pretend to be.
PS This goes for universities, best friends, employers…